New Boss
by Doctor Sexy
Summary: With Hotch leaving, the team fights over who will be the new boss. Rossi has Alzheimer's, Reid has the biggest penis, and Seaver is the biggest bitch. Sort of a Crackfic.


**I'm... I'm sorry.**

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The BAU was arguing over who would take over as boss. Hotch had decided that being an FBI agent wasn't the most important thing in his life, and more than anything he wanted to be a father to Jack. (**A/N: LOL)**. That left the BAU without a leader and Strauss, being a massive bitch decided instead of appointing someone decided to let them fight it out. The job would come without a pay raise, and the new boss had to pick up Aaron's slack, which meant they had to give Strauss blow job once a week. (**Yes, a blow job. Strauss is a man. I dare you to disagree.)**

For some reason, everyone still wanted the job. "I think I should be the new boss," Rossi said. "After all, I am the oldest and I have the most life experience."

"Just because you've been married eight times doesn't mean you're qualified," Morgan countered. "Besides, with your condition you shouldn't be in charge."

"Condition?" Rossi asked. "Oh, goodness, did I tell you about my prostate?"

"I think he was referring to your Alzheimer's," Reid said.

"Alzheimer's? You lying bitch. You were always jealous of me. Because I'm a better surgeon than you, because what's his face wants me to be Surgeon General."

Reid patted Rossi's knee. "It's okay, Dad. Why don't you go back to sleep. You've had a long day at the saw mill."

"What are you talking about?" Ashley Seaver said, never one to understand what was going on. Everyone ignored her as usual.

"Yes, a long day at the saw mill…" Rossi said, closing his eyes and immediately starting to snore.

"Okay, so I think we can all agree to rule out Rossi," Prentiss said. She wrote everyone's names on a whiteboard and crossed out Rossi's.

"Why would you even write Seaver's name on there?" Reid asked.

"Good point!" Prentiss said erasing _Seaver_ and writing _Stupid bitch that can go to hell_, and crossed it out. Morgan slapped Reid a high five, then high fived Prentiss.

Seaver frowned. "What's going on? I don't understand."

"I think that I should be the new boss," Reid said. "I have the highest IQ and the biggest penis."

"How do you know that you have the biggest penis?" Prentiss asked.

"You really think I haven't slept with everyone in this office?" Reid said.

Prentiss started to tear up, heartbroken. Morgan glared at everyone.

Garcia had just walked into the room and had the most disappointed look on her face. "You slept with Seaver?"

Reid suddenly ran to the garbage can and keeled over and violently hurled. After a couple of minutes of this he looked up. "Oh, God no!"

"Thank God!" Garcia said. "Well anyway, my lovely team I think I could be the best leader you've ever seen!"

"But you're the technical analyst," Reid said. "We need you in that job."

"You could be the technical analyst, sweetie! Or Rossi could!" Garcia said hopefully.

"Rossi can't even understand how to work the television," Morgan said.

"Fine," Garcia said, sulking. "Everyone just wants Garcia to hide in her closet."

"You're coming out of the closet?" Seaver asked.

"Eww no!" Garcia shrieked. "I only love Morgan, I don't like girls!"

"Oh, hell no!" Reid said, bitch-slapping Garcia right across the face. "You stay away from my man!" Everyone stared at him and he went back to his sit and sat quietly, twiddling his thumbs.

"Baby boy, you know I'm all yours," Morgan said, winking.

"Apparently he isn't all yours," Seaver said. "He says he's sleeping with everyone in the office, except me…" She sighed longingly. Her greatest ambition in life was to sleep with Reid.

Reid shook his head. "I've retired from being a slut. Morgan and I are in love."

Tears streamed down Garcia's face. "I'm so happy for you two!" She ran out of the room sobbing hysterically.

"Okay," Prentiss said. "So it's down to Morgan, Reid, and myself."

"I've been the boss before," Morgan pointed out. "I was good at it. I'm the best choice."

"Morgan!" Reid whined. "I want to be the boss. I never get to be the boss of anything."

"There's a reason for that," Morgan said under his breath.

"I think Reid would be a good boss," Seaver said. Reid stuck his tongue out at her.

Prentiss shook her head. "That's enough. I can't let this go on any longer. I'm going to be the new boss. I have seniority."

Reid nodded his head as if this made perfect sense, even if he didn't like it. Seaver smiled. Morgan frowned. "How the hell do you have seniority? I've been in the BAU for ten years. You've been here four."

"Didn't you hear?" Prentiss asked. "I'm Rossi's latest wife. That means I'm officially a senior citizen."

"You can't argue with that logic," Reid said.

Morgan wanted to argue, but he gave up. There was no way he was going to win.

"Alright, as the new boss, the first order of business is to get rid of Ashley Seaver," Prentiss said.

Morgan immediately felt better about Prentiss being the new boss. "You're going to fire her?"

"Nope!" Prentiss smiled. "When I went to get my marriage license, I also got a license to kill."

"Umm… what's going on?" Seaver asked.

"OH BOY!" Reid said. "LET'S KILL SEAVER!"

"You guys are kidding right?" Seaver asked.

"Absolutely not," Prentiss said, shaking Rossi's shoulder. "Honey, wake up! We're going to kill Seaver now."

Rossi woke up. "Errr… kill who? Who are you?"

"I'm Emily. Your wife. We're going to kill her!" She pointed at Seaver.

"Oh, good," Rossi said. "I must be a lucky guy to have married you."

"How are we going to kill her?" Reid asked excitedly. "Poison? No, that's boring. We could shoot her. That's too quick. We could burn her alive?"

Prentiss shook her head. "Let's beat her to death!" She pulled out a baseball bat, which she gave to Reid, a crowbar she gave to Morgan, and a golf club which she used herself.

They proceeded to beat Seaver to death. One thing was for sure. Emily Prentiss was the best boss the BAU ever had.

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**A/N: I had a hard time deciding whether to publish this or not... It's not my favorite work that's for sure. Let me know what you think of it anyway. Also as a side note, I went to Google brutal ways to kill someone, and then thought that might be a bit suspicious… But anyway, I hope you liked it and enjoyed Seaver's death.**


End file.
